ALAN DAVIES I met Jennifer Aniston at a drinks reception

My favourite drink as a child was orange squash. I don’t think I ever drank plain water except from the fountain in the school playground. Me, my brother and my sister had different coloured cups – mine was red. Once, aged about five, I saw it on the draining board and thought: ‘Oh, there’ll be some squash in there.’ So I reached up and took a sip. The next thing is my mum charges over shouting. Turns out I was drinking washing detergent. That wasn’t particularly tasty.

I love coffee but now usually opt for decaf. When I was writing my book, I drank proper coffee nonstop. Then, realising I needed to quit it, I went cold turkey and got the worst caffeine-withdrawal headache – it lasted about nine days. I gave up cow’s milk years ago because I had high cholesterol, and now I can’t stand the taste. I find it absolutely disgusting.

I first had alcohol on holiday when I was ten. We rarely went abroad: there was one trip to Majorca and another to Greecebut other than that it was Jersey or the West Country. Or we’d pile in the car with the boot stuffed full of buckets and spades, and drive about six hours from Chingford (East London) to Cornwall. My dad didn’t drink much, but on holiday he’d have half a pint of Worthington’s E bitter. When I was ten he gave me a sip, and I predictably found it disgusting.

I was 16 when I first got served a drink, but it wasn’t easy because I looked about eight. So I took a photocopy of my brother’s birth certificate – he’d just turned 18 – and headed to the Horse & Well pub in Woodford Green (Northeast London). I went to the bar and said: ‘Can I have a light and bitter?’ which, on reflection, is the type of thing Albert Tatlock would have drunk. The barman told me, ‘I’m certain you’re not old enough,’ but I got out the birth certificate and he was flummoxed. I was very proud.

The most memorable place I’ve had a drink is up Mount Vesuvius. We were on a family holiday in Pompeii a few years ago and decided to climb it. At the bottom, it was a lovely day, but at the top it was snowing, stinky and our youngest, Francis, fell and grazed his knee. But we made it and at the top there was a hut where my wife Katie and I had a glass of limoncello. It was really special, although I’d rather have had a whisky.

I’ve had a drink with lots of famous faces in the QI green room. Stephen Fry, obviously, whose favourite tipple is vodka. Two of my favourite guests were Carrie Fisher in 2014 and Teri Hatcher in 2018. They both had soft drinks, while I was homing in on the pinot grigio.

Perhaps my top drinking encounter was with Jennifer Aniston at a gala event. It was in the late 1990s and I just couldn’t believe it. I spent a long time after that sitting at home playing my PlayStation and thinking, ‘Why can’t Jennifer Aniston be my girlfriend?’ She married Brad Pitt shortly after, but in another life it would have been me.

My favourite drink is Guinness. I had my first one aged 29. I was dating an actress and we went to Dublin to see her friends in a play. At the end a voice said: ‘Please vacate the theatre as quickly as possible, as the Proclaimers are doing a concert here tonight.’ She wanted to go out with her friends, but told me to hide in the toilets for a few hours so I could catch the gig. It worked! When I came out I went to the bar and all these Irish guys were drinking Guinness, so that’s what I had. It’s been my go-to ever since. And to make up for seeing the gig without paying I’ve bought plenty of Proclaimers CDs!

Alan’s autobiography White Male Stand-Up (Monoray, £25) is out now. To order a copy for £21.25 until 2 november, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937. Free UK delivery on orders over £25.