Take the divorce quiz Test reveals all the subtle red flags to watch out for, the VERY surprising signs your marriage is heading for the rocks… and how to save it before its too late

How is your marriage doing? Are you a strong team, committed to weathering every storm together? Or do you feel the subtle tug of resentment, or even contempt, creeping into your relationship?

Earlier this month marked Divorce Day, the busiest day for divorce lawyers in the entire year. Many warring couples find they are pushed to their limit by the forced proximity over the festive period, and so rush to instruct solicitors in early January.

But divorce doesn’t come out of nowhere – there are always red flags, and if you spot the signs you can often save your marriage before it’s too late.

So what are the warnings to look out for in your own relationship?

Psychotherapist and separation coach Susie Masterson has devised this exclusive quiz to uncover the issues you’re ignoring – and how to fix them.

‘It’s not too late if you both want to save the relationship’ says Susie. ‘But act now – don’t wait.’

Take our quiz

What your results mean…

0-7

In a good place

With just a handful of red flags (or none!) you’re very unlikely to divorce anytime soon.

It’s likely that you maintain excellent communication, no matter what else is happening in life, and that you still show each other physical affection and warmth.

I would worry if maintaining the image of a perfect relationship stops you speaking up about issues that bother you. Couples who boast they ‘never argue’ often have never truly stress-tested their relationship, so when something difficult arises – bereavement, the empty nest, financial problems or infidelity – it means they don’t have a blueprint for navigating tough times.

However, if you’re simply in harmony when it comes to negotiating, discussion and decision-making, that’s great.

A ‘green flag’ relationship depends on mutual respect, listening skills and a willingness to share the load. Even if sometimes one of you does more, you know it will even out eventually. But even though things are good, you can use this time to future-proof your relationship.

Be flexible, don’t assume what has always worked will continue to do so under new circumstances, and have curiosity-based conversations with your partner. ‘What if this happened?’ ‘How would you feel if…?’

If you do that, you’re always updating your awareness of who they are, rather than who you think they are. People change, and relationships evolve too. It’s also a good idea to keep complimenting one another in ways that show you’ve truly noticed them.

We all need to be validated and affirmed. Make it personal: ‘You did a really good job talking to our son about his options.’ Show you appreciate who they are, not just how they look.

8-13

It’s OK but it could be better

You’re not heading to court without passing ‘Go’ – but there are some issues you should tackle sooner rather than later to avoid growing difficulties between you.

In busy long-term relationships, couples often become housemates, where you’re living around rather than with each other. You don’t talk unless it’s about the kids or the bills, you don’t bother hugging because you’re in too much of a hurry.

If you do have sex, it’s often a box-ticking exercise and, eventually, all these things chip away at closeness.

You may not be rowing, but sometimes that’s because you don’t care enormously what your partner thinks.

Or if you do fight, perhaps you’ve fallen into a pattern of ‘the one who starts it’ and ‘the defensive one’.

Both of you are trying to be heard and have your needs met, but nobody’s really listening. You need to act now to get back on track.

Begin by making the space for connection. Regular check-ins: ‘How are you?’ and ‘How are we as a couple?’ are essential.

Even if it’s just five minutes over a cup of tea, catch up on where you both are and how you’re feeling.

One exercise I use with clients is to draw arrows pointing towards and away from the marriage. Beside ‘towards’, write down all the things you’re both doing to work towards the goal of a happier relationship, and by ‘away’ list all the things you’re doing that take you further from it. That way it’s easy to see the areas that need attention.

We can’t automatically expect to feel the way we did at the beginning of a relationship when we’re many years in.

So it’s vital to get all the functional stuff off the agenda and deliberately make space to talk and connect again – as a couple rather than as co-parents or homeowners.

That way, it becomes a habit, and you recognise that if they’re a bit snappy, or seem down it’s not necessarily because of you. Maybe it’s because they’re worried about their ageing dad, or redundancies at work.

If you don’t know, it’s easy to assume – and that’s when resentment creeps in. So ask.

14-20

Help is needed – SOS!

A high score indicates some worrying red flags in your relationship. If you can’t see very far into the future, it suggests your subconscious mind is resisting the idea of staying together. There’s a mismatch of values and plans – when couples grow apart over the years, it’s often only evident when children leave home or work patterns change and you no longer share that safe conversational ‘glue’.

Equally, if ordinary communication descends into fractious disagreement, there’s often deep resentment present in the marriage.

A perpetually negative or bored tone of voice, dismissal of the other’s needs and feelings, or basic lack of interest in their opinions all indicate major issues that are not being addressed. Fighting can be healthy if you can listen and compromise afterwards – but if you’re arguing in circles, there’s an underlying power play.

What we fight for is different from what we’re fighting about. We might argue about the bins, but what we’re fighting for is power and control, and it isn’t being resolved because neither of you are willing to compromise or lose ground.

At this point, couples often need help from a therapist to find a way forward.

You may not shout, but contempt also shows in nitpicking, humiliating and a refusal to change behaviours that clearly hurt your partner and damage their self-esteem. If that’s a regular occurrence, your relationship is in real danger.

If affection is lacking, that’s also a sign that there’s something wrong. I see so many couples who no longer kiss or touch, and have developed a practical ‘flatmates’ relationship. I almost never see couples who are worried about sex – because for most, that’s not a true barometer of relationship health. Intimacy is.

It’s also an issue if you or your partner won’t allow each other privacy. We don’t owe our loved ones our innermost thoughts.

Finding someone else attractive is normal over a relationship lasting many years – acting on the attraction is the problem.

Privacy of thought, however, is different from lying about our actions and keeping damaging secrets. If you are, it’s time to ask yourself tough questions about the relationship you’re in and what’s stopping honest communication.

With a string of red flags, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over – but I would strongly recommend some honest conversations and, ideally, therapy, to help you decide whether the marriage still has potential or if you’d both be happier single.

A separation doesn’t have to be a disaster. Sometimes it can be the best outcome possible, for both of you.