It seems logical: pick a man who’s a little bit less attractive, less successful, less socially magnetic than you and you’ll be less likely to get hurt.

If you marry a man who’s lucky to have you, he’ll never risk losing you, right?

It feels like a clever insurance policy against heartbreak – except it rarely works that way.

He feels patronised, you feel unfulfilled, and the imbalance makes cheating MORE likely, not less.

Here’s one woman’s cautionary tale of why settling for less almost never ends in a happy marriage.

‘NEXT TIME, I’M AIMING HIGH. IF I’M GOING TO BE CHEATED ON, IT SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE WHO’S WORTH THE PAIN’

Elena, 39, married Matt because he was ‘safe’. They were married three years before she discovered he was anything but…

‘I have big abandonment issues because my father cheated constantly on my mother. She was devastated by his affairs.

‘He was smart, successful and charismatic. I figured if I don’t go out with men like him, I’d avoid getting hurt like she did.

‘I look good, I’m likeable, successful and socially gregarious.

‘I should be dating an alpha male. What I don’t have, though – thanks to my father – is confidence in men.

‘I tried dating very attractive men in my 20s, but I was so insanely jealous, it was miserable.

‘I decided to go safe. I dated a guy who was short (really short) and there was no jealousy that time.

‘There was no way this guy was going to cheat when he’d hit the jackpot. We went out for a year, and it was blissfully uneventful, if not built to last.

‘The boyfriends that followed were similar.

‘When I met Matt, I was open to getting serious with someone like him. Matt was your classic ‘nice guy’. He seemed kind and gentle and had lots of female friends. Decent job, decent wage.

‘OK looking but you’d never look twice. Never going to set the world alight but that was fine by me.

‘Far less chance of him turning into my father. I liked him and I wanted to have children. So, we got married and planned to have children quite soon.

‘I didn’t count on this.

‘But here’s where the best laid plan unravels. Nice is nice but long-term relationships are hard. They get boring very quickly. You need excitement on some level to stay interested.

‘I remember one morning, looking at Matt and thinking, ‘My God, there is nothing at all about you that’s exceptional’. He was average on all counts: intelligence, looks, social skills, employability. He wasn’t bad in bed, but he wasn’t good in bed.

‘Not having a husband that other women want to steal has its good and bad sides. You don’t have to keep your eye on them at parties. But instead, you see other people looking at us and thinking, ‘I don’t get it. Why is she with him?’. He wasn’t my equal in any way.

‘It didn’t help that my friends’ husbands all started out quite ordinary but ended up achieving great things.

‘I was also rising steadily up the career ladder, Matt stayed the same. The gulf between us widened.

‘What I didn’t realise was that Matt was also acutely aware of all this. But of course he knew and felt the judgement of everyone.

‘We went on holiday with friends, and he stood out like a sore thumb. That was about two and a half years into the marriage and when I started really putting him down. My respect for him went – and with it, went the marriage.

‘I wasn’t happy but he wasn’t allowed to be.

‘It wasn’t working my end, but I still assumed I had the upper hand. The marriage probably wouldn’t last the distance, but it would be totally up to me to call it. I might not love him, but he had to love me still because, well, I was the catch!

‘I did notice he started working late, but I also knew he was angling for a promotion. He was indeed buttering up his boss, just not in the way I thought.

‘He’d started having an affair with her about 10 months into our marriage. I had no idea. I thought we were good at that point. Clearly, he read me better than I could read myself.

‘When I found out, we’d been married three years, and his affair had lasted more than two of those. Even more humiliating, everyone knew about it.

‘Matt and his girlfriend made no secret of it at work or when they went out. I’m amazed they weren’t caught earlier. As it turned out, a close friend of mine was a regular at a restaurant they also frequented.

‘She watched, shocked, as they walked in, hand in hand, and sat down together. She asked the waiter if he’d seen them before and he said they’d been coming there together for years.

‘His reaction was the most hurtful of all.

‘There was no remorse when I confronted him. No embarrassment. No apology. He smirked – like he’d been looking forward to this moment. All he said was, ‘Guess we’d better start divorce proceedings then’. And walked out the door before taking me to the cleaners.

‘His lawyer painted me as a demon. I demeaned him, took advantage of his natural kindness and treated him like a ‘slave’. He said my bitterness at not having ‘married well’ had damaged his self-esteem to the extent that he was on medication and in therapy.

‘He was driven to having an affair because he was so unloved and unhappy. Matt was bitter, angry and out for revenge. My lawyer said not to risk going to court, so I settled for three times what he deserved.

‘To any women out there who think choosing Mr Average is going to guarantee he won’t cheat or hurt you, think again. The reality is it makes it more likely. It’s human nature to find love and validation elsewhere if you’re not getting it at home and he wasn’t getting either.

‘I also deserve to be with someone I respect and want, not someone I tolerate just because they (supposedly) won’t cause me pain. I headed straight to therapy after the split and next time I’m aiming high. If I’m going to be cheated on, it might as well be with someone who is worth the pain’

Check out Tracey’s books, podcast, products and blog at traceycox.com.

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