My daughter is blissfully unaware of a major problem in her new marriage… if I tell her the truth, I could lose her forever: DEAR JANE

Dear Jane,

My daughter just recently got married and, while I like her husband, I detest his parents.

There’s nothing wrong with them per se, but the way they treat my daughter, who is my only child, is getting on my nerves.

It all started with wedding planning, when both of them started referring to my daughter as their own child, telling her they couldn’t wait to finally have a girl in a family of all boys. 

Then in her speech, the mother-in-law even announced that she was thrilled to have ‘a new daughter’.

Ever since then, they’ve been spoiling her with gifts, taking her on vacations, and her husband’s mother is always inviting her out shopping or to the nail salon. 

Whenever I ask to see her, she usually already has plans with them.

While I can appreciate that they care for my daughter and want to spend time with her, I can’t help but feel a bit offended. She’s mine, not theirs.

They didn’t raise her, so calling her their own is, in my opinion, a bit of an overstep. 

I feel like I’m losing her – or rather, that they’re stealing her away.

Is there a way I can confront them about their behavior and tell her how I feel without upsetting anyone?

Sincerely, Miffed mom

Dear Miffed Mom

I can hear how painful this is for you, how much love you have for your daughter, your only child, and how it feels as if she is being taken from you. 

You are experiencing this as a huge loss, and I understand the negative feelings about these new in-laws, and why you are thinking about confronting them.

However, I want you to pause and take a few deep breaths. 

Talking to the in-laws is not the right course of action, however frightened you might be of losing your daughter. 

All this will likely to do is heap more fuel on a fire that only exists in your head, alienating them and, quite possibly, your own daughter.

I urge you to try and look at things from a different perspective before you do anything at all. 

So many new brides struggle with their mothers-in-law, with jealousy, or over-possessiveness of their son. It is a rare and wonderful thing that they have embraced your daughter in the way they have and testament to the wonderful woman you have raised.

Instead of focusing on the in-laws and their unwanted behavior, I want you to focus on what it is you need, then communicate that directly with your daughter.

You can tell her that it’s wonderful her new in-laws have embraced her and explain that you miss having her to yourself. Ask if you can carve out some special time together.

Right now you feel as if you’re in competition but changing your mindset, and recognizing how lucky your daughter is to have a family who have embraced her will make things easier. 

Then the conversation you have is about connection and love rather than scarcity and fear.

I suspect it will draw your daughter closer. Right now she’s excited about this new family but I suspect that soon she will want the safety and security of a loving mom.

Suggest your own rituals with her, whether that’s a weekend getaway or reading a book together, just find something that is different from the things she is doing with her in-laws so it speaks to the unique bond the two of you share.

Dear Jane,

I recently went to a party and met a fantastic man.

He came up to me, we started talking and soon I found myself having a really intimate conversation with this total stranger.

We both told each other why our marriages ended and exchanged childhood secrets.

By the end of the night, I really felt like I may have met my soulmate.

I got his phone number and texted him the next day to thank him and, although he wrote back, it was polite but cursory and I haven’t heard from him since.

Now I feel embarrassed at having revealed so much and keep wondering what I did wrong.

I must have done something because we really did have a great connection and I don’t know if I should reach out again.

I haven’t met anyone I’ve liked in years and he seemed really special. Is it okay to text him?

Sincerely, TMI texter

Dear TMI Texter

I know how exciting it is to feel as if you’ve made a real connection with someone, particularly when you have revealed so much and thought that he felt the same.

And he may have – in the moment. But a beautiful, intense conversation isn’t always the foundation to something more.

The truth is, you know very little about this man, even though it may feel as if you do. 

A few hours with someone doesn’t tell you anything about their emotional availability and it’s easy to project feelings and fantasies.

Men who are both interested and available, get in touch. The fact that he hasn’t means he is neither of those things, but that’s nothing to do with you. 

It simply tells you that he is not the man for you, however connected you may have felt during your talk.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you said. In fact, it’s a wonderful quality to be able to be vulnerable with people and show them who you are.

The right people will always stay and the wrong people – like this man – may be frightened off. But when people disappear it just means that they are not right for you.

Always choose the people that choose you and never pursue someone who doesn’t. Texting him may get another cursory response but that’s not what you’re looking for.

My advice is absolutely no texting and, more importantly, put this man out of your head. You don’t know him, you only know the fantasy you have created and that version clearly does not match the reality.

Hold out for a man who recognizes how gorgeously honest and real you are, who is strong enough to handle that, and interested enough to actively choose you.