Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been together for years, and have fallen into a routine: he cooks, I clean.
There’s nothing I loathe more than being in the kitchen – I would gladly do the laundry and mop the floors instead – so I leave the cooking to my husband and he loves it!
For years, he has enthusiastically volunteered to prepare every single meal and is very proud of his dishes.
Now, however, he wants to show off his cooking skills to our friends and invite them over for dinner.
But there’s just one problem.
He’s a terrible chef.
I’ve been lying and telling him how wonderful he is in the kitchen because I don’t have the heart to tell him that his dry chicken is inedible and his mushy broccoli is repulsive.
Instead, I’ve just been swallowing my criticism – and unsuccessfully trying to convince him to take our friends out for dinner instead.
Do I admit my years-long lie, or let him embarrass himself in front of our friends?
Sincerely,
Fibbing foodie
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Fibbing foodie,
Oh, the things we do to make our partners happy!
We have likely all gone to great lengths to buoy our partners up, even when we secretly know what they’re doing isn’t up to par.
Occasionally, if I had a work commitment, my ex-husband would make dinner, which almost always involved Hamburger Helper.
It was revolting – and I’m afraid I was not as kind as you are.
Telling the truth is hard, particularly when it will hurt the person we love, but sometimes it is a necessary part of someone’s growth.
I wonder if there’s a way to tell your husband that, while you are grateful for his food and efforts given your distaste for cooking, his culinary skills are not enough for entertaining others.
You can say that because you are so happy that you don’t have to cook in the kitchen, you have poured praise on him, but it’s more praise for him taking on the job of cooking than the actual food itself.
Perhaps you soften the blow by buying him a cooking class as a gift.
Your husband may be hurt by the truth, particularly in the beginning, but if his food really is that bad, you’re trying to help him.
If he chooses not to listen and has your friends over for dinner, there is no reason for you to be embarrassed by his food.
And if you don’t tell him, I suspect your friends might.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I are the proud parents of a college-aged daughter, who is our only child.
We devoted our entire adult lives to her, going to every recital, sporting event and school play. Basically, all of our free time was spent supporting her – or talking about how we could – and we loved it.
But now that she has started her freshman year of college across the country, our day-to-day no longer revolves around raising a child – and we have very little to talk about.
That means most nights we eat dinner in silence and watch TV to avoid striking up conversation. When we do speak to each other, it’s about the weather, the laundry or the grocery list.
I’m heartbroken. I thought this would give us time to reconnect and find a hobby, but instead, we feel like strangers.
I guess we put our marriage on the back burner to focus on our kid.
Is there a way to revive our relationship, or are we doomed?
Sincerely,
Empty nester
Dear Empty nester,
Having been through this myself, my heart goes out to you.
But know this: you are not alone.
There are millions of people who feel exactly as you do – couples who came together beautifully in order to raise their children only to find that, once the children leave home, they have little in common anymore.
And once you become ships that pass in the night, it can feel impossible to find your way back to each other.
If you’re feeling disconnected, chances are, your husband is as well, but there is a reason you came together in the first place – and it has nothing to do with your daughter.
Tell your husband that you love him, that you want to reconnect and move through this next stage of life together, but that requires two partners who are equally committed to that goal.
Remember the things you used to do together that brought you closer, and suggest starting to do them again.
Not every hobby has to be shared, although it’s nice to do something that interests both of you.
In fact, many successful couples I know, who have been married for decades, have almost nothing in common.
They lead separate lives during the day, each doing things that bring them joy. When they get home, they each share their lives with each other, safe in the knowledge that they will be fully seen and heard.
Ultimately, what’s important is that you both feel fulfilled in your own lives and each bring something to the table.
Find your own hobbies, and encourage your husband to do the same, so that you are each building your lives to find a way back to each other.